After the trip of Amsterdam we came back home which actually was new home. My roommate has not always been my roommate, honestly she became one after the trip, and btw her name is Lisa. We got this big, plain, clean appartment just from the middle of the town. We have dishwasher, which is positive but in other hand I would paint the whole appartment. I like my room though. 

However, before the trip I quit my job, so I really hadn't anything to do. Focusing on new appartment more than few days was getting pretty boring so somehow I started to think of my first love...

I was 13, just about to turn 14 when I met him. He was, for my opinion, the most handsome boy from my suburblife. He was really tall, dark hair, bright blue eyes, masculine and riding this sexy ass motorcicle, and for some reason he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I would like to call him Johnny. Well, we hang out few months and I was in love, if you can feel love at that age. Then one day it was over. I was told to be young and used, even though we never were sexually involved. 

Of cource he broke my hard, like I said I was in love, but when I now look back, our braking up was just beginnig of something unsane. Before meeting me Johnny was popular, outgoing and socially normal. After our relationship he became lonely, shy and he really wanted to be with himself. He was always really interested of history, especially of wars. Germany during World War Two was also one of his opsessions and after us that personality came together. I never really found out what was the reason for this, but because of my opsession for him I tried to be his friend.

We texted alot, everyday and I was trying to build a relationship again. But he was never willing to see me, even though we lived in 2 miles from each others. He wanted to spent many ours with me in facebook or by texting, but never ever he was willing to see or even call to me. Of cource I found that to be odd but somehow I needed him. I lived my life normaly, I went to school, I dated with other guys,I had my friends and I even moved,  but always when I was hurt or left alone I texted Johnny and he was there for me. There was times when I was so mad at him not willing to meet me, and it all didn't make sense cause we used to date. I already knew what he looked like! What was he hiding? I never find out.

After 5 years of texting with Johnny, Tom walked into my life and we started dating. I wasn't loving Johnny for many years because I knew that our relationship wasn't healthy and he wasn't healthy. What kind of a guy lives isolated at his parents at the age of 22 without friends or even will to make one? Texting with his childhood crush and still not willing to see her either? I was happy to have Tom because he was now the one who I could share all my hopes and dreams, fears and desires with. He was totally normal and totally willing to be with me. I changed my phonenumber and wasn't texting to Johnny again.

My new life, journey began last Easter when I violently broke up with my ex boyfriend, lets call him Tom, and pretty much immediately after went to a trip with my roommate. This is probably where I should start telling you my story, still I will look further if needed. 

I grew up in suburbs with my mom and stepdad. My dad lives at the countryside. When I was old enough, I moved to the cities, alone. I may have the most amazing friends that possible and I do enjoy my life. That's why I started to write this blog. 

Tom was the first guy who didn't went to the same junior high as I did. Kind of fucked up, huh? And he was the longest relationship that I ever had. Once I had sex related relationship with this one guy for a five years, but there was never love. Tom instead loved me in a way that noone ever did, and I loved him so much, or at least I thought so. We had good times, but I guess the problem was that we had nothing to do together and I say, he wasn't even trying. At one point everything we did or said was just attempt to annoy and small fights turned to physical. I don't blame him any more or less than I blame myself. We were both stupid and just too blind to see it was better to let go. 

Well the last drop falled and me and my very open minded roommate decided to take a trip to the city where all the troubles are gone, because you can eat so much good cheese, admire old, tiny, but so elegant wooden houses by the canal, see the glory of the tulips, fall in love with a bouncer and smell the happiness coming from the nearest coffee shop. Two single girls enjoying freedom and breathing fresh air. In Amsterdam I realized that I didn't love Tom anymore. But I wasn't sad.